When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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