Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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