shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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