I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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