I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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