hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I smell stomach acid.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i think i just lost a toe
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".