Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
