I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
