Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
