he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
