In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
