when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
