i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
