Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
