I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
