I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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