just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
