did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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