So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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