I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Couch. On fire.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
