I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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