end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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