so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
