I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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