I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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