I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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