today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
