My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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