my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
