it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
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We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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