If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
