Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
