yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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