I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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