Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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