dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
