I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says