Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
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I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
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I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots