just come out here and I will go home with you...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Your cock deserves a montage
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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