I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
