Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
