my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
