Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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