The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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