I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she looked like the before picture.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
