i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
