just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
