I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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