My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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