I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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