new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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