he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
