Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
