Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
