my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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