She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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