Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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