You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
