Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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