why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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